The Sh!t They Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy


Congratulations!  You just peed on a little magic wand that just smiled back at you!  Yes, there is a real life human being growing inside that belly of yours.  If you’re anything like me, you experienced this 30-something second overwhelming feeling of happiness with butterflies fluttering throughout your entire body.  Then reality sinks in, and those butterflies somehow manage to flutter their way down to your derrière letting you know shit (literally) just got real.

I’ve always told myself that pregnancy was going to be my “thang.”  I was going to be this healthy, juicing, fitness loving, occasional ice cream binger, pregnant goddess.  I mean almost every other pregnant woman on social media portrays themselves that way right?  Ugh, WRONG!  Not gonna lie, I was doing amazing right after finding out I was pregnant (working out, clean eating, letting everyone know how awesome being pregnant was; the whole shebang.)  Then IT hit me.  The dark side of pregnancy.  That feeling every expectant woman dreads to wake up to; morning sickness.  First off, let me just state that the term morning sickness is very misleading.  FYI: It doesn’t just last in the morning.  It’s an around the clock symptom that feels like you partied all weekend long resulting in the biggest hangover of your life.  I was one of the lucky ones who legit had morning sickness from week 7 of my pregnancy till the day Elijah was born.  Don’t get me wrong, I had days here and there where I just experienced nausea and didn’t actually vomit my brains out, but 93.7% of my pregnancy was spent face down, ass up over a toilet seat.  Super cute, right?

Then the little peanut starts to reveal itself (along with your expanding belly, hips, thighs, boobs, booty, etc…)  That ever so anticipated “first kick” is felt.  You lay there thinking “that totally wasn’t gas.”  Probably one of the most amazing feelings a pregnant mama could experience.  Then you can finally confirm that the little alien waving at you in all your ultrasounds is really in there!  Before you know it, your little peanut develops the skills of a mixed martial artist and your rib cage becomes its opponent.  It’s the cutest feeling the first couple of months while baby still has some wiggle room to move around in, but by the last couple of months, your mid section feels like it took a full blown beating and it’s no longer as cute as it once was.

What’s even more amazing is how your body adapts to your growing baby.  Your entire uterus pretty much rearranges itself and every little nook and cranny has a designated spot for your organs.  The best part is throughout all this rearranging, your poor little bladder gets the sh*t end of the stick.  Since its located right under your uterus, it pretty much becomes your babies trampoline.  Your growing baby loves to kick down south and puts more and more pressure on your poor bladder as the days go on.  Before you know it, you’re pretty much peeing every sneeze, cough, or laugh that comes out of you.  My advice, always pack an extra pair of panties.

If you’re as lucky as me, you might even develop acid reflux during your pregnancy (my second favorite symptom, aside from puking my brains out.)  What they don’t let you know is that it doesn’t only arise from eating acidic foods (yeah, I didn’t touch pizza, pasta, or anything spicy my ENTIRE pregnancy… depressing, I know.)  That, combined with the pressure of your growing baby, increases your chances of your stomach acid making its way upward.  I would literally take a sip of water and my chest would develop this burning bubbly sensation that would sit in my throat and taunt me all damn day.  If I decided to lay down after eating or drinking anything, all hell would break loose.  Acid reflux was probably the main reason why I was constantly so nauseous and vomiting deep into my pregnancy.  Who has time for heartburn?

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful and blessed to be given the opportunity to conceive and carry a child.  Did I enjoy being pregnant?  You bet your bottom dollar I didn’t.  I definitely had my good days, but being pregnant was definitely not a walk in the park for me.  Every woman is different, and you might be that powerhouse mama who sails through her pregnancy like it’s nobody’s business.  I just hope that I can give all the mamas or pregnant mamas out there who didn’t have the greatest pregnancy experience some peace of mind and a little giggle knowing that there are other woman out there who disliked being pregnant and that it is OK to admit it.  I wish someone could’ve been this honest about their experiences with me so I didn’t have to feel like I was the only woman on earth who was not enjoying her pregnancy.  And for all you fit, juicing, glowing, pregnancy loving goddesses out there… you can stick that green juice up your cervix.

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  1. Omg I couldn’t of said it better myself. As you know I had two completely different pregnancys and man oh man the changes it does to you every time. Love you Kelli your amazing. Keep it going

  2. Oh my goodness!! You had me cracking up with this one! Haha! I absolutely loved being pregnant. But I know many who went through what you did and I love that you told the truth with comedy. Keep it up Kel. You’re a beautiful writer

    1. Aw thank you so much! I appreciate the sweet words! So happy you enjoyed reading! Lol and ugh you lucky girl! Hooefully my next pregnancy is smooth sailing.☺️

  3. You nailed pregnancy to the T. I suffered gallstones after delivering and twin months after delivery, almost 2 weeks before I had to go back to work; I had my gallbladder removed. Been a struggle ever since. My daughter has a heart problem and I often get sick when I eat.

    1. Oh no you poor thing. It’s crazy how much our bodies go through. You’re a tough mama, a true fighter! I hope everything is okay with your daughter, and with you as well. Thank you so much for reading.❤️Xoxo

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